What are you doing?

 The amazingness of God is that it is when we most frustrated over our own humanity, most angry at him and the closest to despair that we can understand at the time that he is usually the most at work in our lives. A good example of this was today, for some of you crying may not seem like a bad thing to not be able to do... but I have recently learned the importance of it as a release of the sadness that people have after the loss of Eden (John Eldrege, The Journey of Desire). Unfortunately it was in the same five minutes that I learned how much I wanted to cry (to clarify I honestly did want to, it wasn't just as a response to the book) that I realized how hard it was for me to really cry; I could still cry at a movie - a type of superficial crying; but when it came to the sadness in my heart there was no dislodging it. I believe this was because of so many times of pushing it down and putting on a plastic smile so I could get on with what I was doing while there was pain that was just becoming a little hard pain-diamond in my soul.

Today, in a step that was long overdue, I cried.

I cried for the injustice I felt that God was clearly there for others, that they had joy, they had seen miracles, and all this time I had been defending God in my mind... trying to superimpose instances that did not seem like "enough" of God... make myself believe he wanted "his love" (at least, the little I was experiencing) to be sufficient. Floundering in confusion, sadness and trying to tell God that everything was peachy suddenly didn't do it for me anymore, and I finally broke. Afterward I didn't feel whole, but I felt that God was in it, God wanted me to break, to get mad at the circumstances that had me accepting muddy water instead of the river of Living Water, I did get mad at him as well, but I think he was OK with that. He was at work in my frustration and wanted so badly for me to admit that all the things I had tried to do were not enough... he wanted me to be open to his love for it to fill me. To stop justifying why I was essentially unsatisfied with most of my "spiritual experiences."
I didn't want to write this blog post yet because I am not coming out on the other side. I sit in a place where desire is turning to hope for a bright future and knowledge that this will take much longer then a day... so it might not work out... I am basically in limbo.

But I see the work of God in all that has happened today and though I won't say he has come through yet something in me believes more then it did before today that I can have a much deeper relationship with the one who loves perfectly. It's up to him and he doesn't abandon his children.

So I post this with great hope that I will soon post of his wonderful faithfulness!

Katherina <><

Step up, step out.

What feels like early evening to my head is actually close to midnight on my clock. To anyone who doesn't know what Jet lag is... I don't recommend it.
 I am here. Not in Hillsong where I thought my journey would go, but to England a much deeper-rooted place. To Ellel Pierrepont, an organization that digs to much deeper roots. The problem with Hillsong was that I was looking to do the flashy thing, the big thing, the school with two campuses and a thousand students who will all (obviously) become something big and important simply by being at that place. That was what I wanted, and that is why I'm here at Ellel. This is not a huge organization. There is nothing flashy about it. Ellel is known, by the few people that know it, for spiritual surgery, similar to physical surgery because the only way to be healed properly is to be cut open, re-broken, or in some cases killed. Unfortunately in spiritual surgery you don't get knocked out, and for every step the surgeon asks you "this will hurt, but you will feel better, can I keep going?"  and you have to say yes if you want it to work, and if you don't you should be doing it.
So why am I here prepping for Spiritual surgery? Because I have been a Christian all my life and struggle with devotional times. Because I hear about people hungering for the word of God and I'm hungrier for three hours watching the "Food Network" because until lately I have been a Christian who didn't. I didn't get in trouble because I didn't in general, I'm glad I didn't get in trouble, as are my parents, but I still didn't. It's not the best way to live, I don't think it is living.
That's why I'm here, writing this blog at 12 where it feels like 5 and telling my readers about spiritual surgery, it's more important to God that Peter stepped out of the boat and sunk then that the other 11 stayed in it and didn't (I'm not God so that could be totally off base). This is a step for me, a timid step. A step where I say "God, I'm sorry, I've been comatose, I don't read my Bible a lot and I know I don't pray like you heal people. Here I am, catch me if I fall!" And I take this step because I know he will.
I preacher I heard once said (I haven't seen this in the Bible directly so it warrants further investigation) that we sin by action and by inaction. Not doing is as bad as screwing up; so not doing is not the answer I'm looking for anymore... how about you?

Islands of the Past

As a nineteen year old I don’t really feel like I have a right to talk about nostalgia or about the importance of my past; then again do I have the right to go to heaven?... No. So anyway I am currently sitting in the living room of my dear friend and former college roommate. Last year I attended one of the most important (to date) and painful years of my life at Rosebud School of the Arts (a beautiful place). I left broken but determined by every little ounce of rebellion and toughness in me that I would return the next year totally whole and ready to start afresh. The hardest thing I did that summer was break myself down to say that I couldn’t go back. I didn’t, and though it was a hard year at home it has been an amazing year of growth. My writing is... well, picking up. My bible reading is more consistent and my walk with God is much deeper. It has been a good year. Now I am back in Rosebud for a brief visit and I see how much I have changed. So it’s time to be honest, I had my heart broken last year-pounded on really. Broken and partially fixed again three times by the same boy who was one of fourteen students in my class and one I couldn’t avoid. It sucked. Now if I had been the same person who left Rosebud I would have wanted to see him first thing, to get revenge, to show him how well I was doing, to break his heart just a little. I haven’t seen him. I had the opportunity, maybe even a subtle hint that I should but I haven’t. It’s not something I need to put myself through in order to live a better life. I may try to avoid him completely, because I am not ashamed to admit that I may not have the maturity to deal with the situation again. That is something I would not have been able to say. This year at home has taught me to be much more comfortable with the ugly, to respect the other and that essentially all life comes from loving God and yourself- I believe that the love for others flows from the love of yourself which flows from the love of God and it is because I decided not to come back to Rosebud that I learned that lesson. Now I am back and a few things have already hit me that are quite profound... 1 is that I have changed and I notice the different colours of my life by the people that I interacted with differently in my past. I have been brighter then before, perhaps more honest, definitely on more caffeine. Part of me is wholer now, their opinion doesn’t matter as much. It’s okay. I feel much peace with myself and feel at peace with God, he has brought me here to show me that I have come out victorious, that things can get better. To revisit a place that was once painful may not be so bad because people change and the places in our lives are islands of who we used to be. Look back at them and then at what is ahead. It is much bigger and brighter. There may be more trials and they will be harder. But the man with scarred hands is walking beside you and things will always get better. Islands of the past taught me that. 

Mustard seed faith

I've lately been thinking of a passage that I've heard my entire life in an entirely new way. Most young Christians are taught that if you have faith even as small as a mustard seed you can tell a mountain to throw itself into the sea and it will happen. I guess this was supposed to be encouraging, but for me all it really taught was that my faith was so small I couldn't even say it was the size of a mustard seed. Later in life this just became a reality I lived with, I didn't save people's lives or fly because I didn't have enough faith... God couldn't use me because he was waiting for me to have more faith. This just fed the lie that I didn't have faith which was a huge barrier to me as a teen and a constant struggle. But a few weeks ago I realized something, in the passage he's not saying that the size of the faith is relevant, he's saying the opposite. A person could have practically no faith at all and still bring about a miracle because it is God who performs the miracle not us. God does not wait for us to have a certain amount of faith or the right anything, he talked through a donkey once. What Jesus meant is that God's glory will be done through one's life, no matter how much faith they have. This takes it out of our control and out of our understanding, but life is a journey and I hope to take many more steps into the Glory of God. I have yet to perform a miracle, but that's ok (maybe not all the time, it would be fun) because I will never perform a miracle, God may use me for one though.
<><

easily forgotten

So it appears blogging is a lot like journaling... oops. :)

jobs... blech.

Well, my job-hunt is now over (hopefully, I suppose the guy could be a jerk but...) amazingly enough though, my trusting God was barely about the job. I had to know that he wasn't going to let me down not in where I worked or whether or not I can go to Hillsong but in life. Today God did not come through when I was given a job but when I chose to worship regardless of postiton in life. God comes through in ways we don't expect and money really doesn't matter to him. Makes me wonder why we live life the way we do.

Who, by worrying can add a single day to his life?

This little passage "Who by worrying can add a single day to his life" has been plauging me for a long time now, but in the last week the rubber has really met the road. I was in a job situation that really wasn't great, but it was a job and it paid quite well. However it can't be a good job when hearing "it's just not working" from your boss is more of a relief then a pain. The week I have been unemployed I have faced the challenge of not to few job offers, but to many. 4 interviews resulted in two jobs that I will have to wait to hear from, both I am not sure of and both would be great, as well as two "take it or leave it" positions that aren't ideal but there. The dilemma is obvious. Do I risk taking a job I don't really want because the offer is there or do I wait to see if one of the others offers, knowing that I could easily be back at square one. I decided to wait as I feel much more peace about waiting. At least I did. Now I'm stupid worried. The worst part is the fact that I can literally do nothing but go about my life and wait. So to life I go, unsure of everything.