Going from a place of total focus on God and on my own heart condition back to a world focused on the bottom line, the number and success by the time you're thirty has been hard to say the least. Everything has felt the hit - my relationships with friends, my boyfriend, and my relationship with God being the more significant things that have suffered. But looking back on the last few months has made me realize that it is so easy to be lulled to sleep by the busyness of a culture that places humanity and our achievements above the condition of our hearts - that put the intelligence of the mind over the health of spirit and the drive of will over the ability to find time and rest. Or it goes the opposite way in the worst way. Teaching us that Yoga and meditation on our own "god within" will provide us what we need as spiritual beings - that by meditation and the build up of karma we can become supernatural in our own right. The kind of spirituality that says all paths lead up to the top of the same mountain. It is very easy to get lulled to sleep when the culture around you constantly feeds you these lies, as if it was an IV into the veins, and I have fallen.
So what was it that woke me up to this comfortable and selfish sleepiness? Drinking from a waterfall. Since I left the Christian school I was at worship at church had been empty, appreciative at best. The amazingness of the character of God had been lost on me for a month or so. He woke me up with worship - something I had taken for granted as a simple and ordinary thing-that-happens-at-church. And I started to drown in the waterfall, seeing that I was not open to the inpouring of God, but was instead struggling, closed in on myself. He started to take back the heart that has been his for so long it is hard to see it had strayed. The glory of God will never run out and so neither should our wonder at him. Unfortunately it often does because of the pollution the enemy has spewed all over the face of our world. So I had been woken up to the fact that I was asleep - now what? Now it is time to see how thirsty I had become, church had become a social event, service a thing to be done, and the bible a book to check off the list every morning. I was dying, not living but dying. Then life didn't satisfy anymore. The things I had been working for turned to ashes in my mouth, creativity became a waste of time - relationships became work and work became a drudge. Nothing compared to drowning in the waterfall.
So how does one go back there? How does one stay there? How does worship become a daily a breath by breath existence?
I don't know.
What I do know is that God is everywhere - not in the new age sense that everywhere is god, but God is everywhere this is his world and he fills it with his presence the animals get this and so does the rare human being. The trick is looking for him. The trick is to be intentional about being spiritual - in the way that we are intended to be spiritual, to be filled with Holy Spirit and to live out of that spirital water flowing into us from heaven. To look for him, to ask him, to knock at the door of his office and peek in and say "I'm sorry I haven't been here in a while, can we talk?" It's falling in love again. It's something I struggle with, but I see now is the most important thing. To carve time out for God AND to take him with me wherever I go. It's the need to be intentional. It's the spiritual discipline that comes from the conviction of humility - no I can't do this alone. It is the journey of a lifetime - the challenge to LIVE.
And I decided to wake up, brush the dust of a dying world off my robes of righteousness and start walking with Jesus again. He always waits for us.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Authority and Sonship
Something that can change the life of any and every person is the understanding that following God does not mean becoming servants, but becoming sons. To elaborate if men can be the bride of Christ then I can be God's son.
It was very recently that I felt that God was placing a signet ring on my finger. A few months ago this wouldn't have meant anything, but I've learned what the importance of that ring is....
It is the most amazing thing that the Father could have done for the son giving him that ring. The signet ring had the family seal on it, and when the son wanted to buy something he could punch the ring into wax, saying that his father would cover the cost. If you don't know the story, the son had sinned against the father by taking the inheritance that he should have gotten at his father's death and squandering it all away in a foreign land on wild living. "Put a ring on his finger" was giving him a signet ring, it was giving a limitless credit card to a son who spent all of his education fund on comic books and chewing gum.
We are all sinful sons, all of humanity has sinned against our Father and not one of us deserves to be sons of God. I was raised in a Christian home, I never smoked, I didn't go to parties, I didn't get drunk, and I am not worthy of the Love of God. I have struggled with pride, legalism, perfectionism, judgement, isolation, bitterness, anger... I am no better then anyone else, no one DESERVES the sonship that God gives. The son in the parable didn't, we don't. Thankfully it's not about us. It's about the overwhelmingly loving Father that we have who CHOSE to restore the son back to the sonship that he was created for.
For God the cost was the death of Christ, that was the act that not only offers us salvation and a ticket to heaven, but an invitation to be called son's of God, not lesser sons, not sons that God tests to make sure they are worthy. We are all co-heirs with Christ (Romans 8) To God we are as much sons of him as Christ is if we choose to have faith and live by the grace of God. Wow. Jesus himself says to his disciples that all authority on heaven and on earth is given to those who believe in him. What that means is that you and I have a room in the house of God with our name on the door, we have credit cards without limits, we can drive his cars, eat at his table, everything.
That's nice... what does it mean on earth? Well, I'll tell you something that happened to me recently. I had heard that having the authority of Christ means that I have authority over any illness I might have. A few weeks after I hear this a nasty cold starts to spread and I catch it. I have been susceptible to very bad sore throats, usually lasting a week or more and so painful I can't sleep, this was what I was catching. The day it started I prayed and didn't think much more of it, my throat was sore but not to bad. That night I woke up with so much pain in it that a part of me resigned to the fact that I would not be able to fall asleep again and that I was in for a long and painful sickness... this made me angry, I had prayed! Why was it still there? But you have to understand that you have an enemy who will try to destroy you and he doesn't give up without a fight. I prayed again, I was angry at what was attacking me and I prayed until the pain subsided, and it did. The next day my throat was well to recovery and was totally healed after two. This may seem silly to some people, you may think "a sore throat? Really?"
Yes, really. A sore throat matters to God because it matters to me.
This is just a picture of the fact that if you have Christ in you, you do have authority. If you want to know ALL of what that means then look at what Christ did, and at what the apostles did, you can do all of it to, as can I.
So pray like you have the authority to walk right up to God and ask him for something, leave the answer to him, if it doesn't happen pray again! You can't force God to do something that isn't his will, but you can ask him for anything, be honest with him, and he CAN do anything so pray like he can and let him be responsible for the doing. Claim your sonship, watch the Father God come running to you while you are still a long way off and let him reclaim you as his son.
It was very recently that I felt that God was placing a signet ring on my finger. A few months ago this wouldn't have meant anything, but I've learned what the importance of that ring is....
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.It is the most amazing thing that the Father could have done for the son giving him that ring. The signet ring had the family seal on it, and when the son wanted to buy something he could punch the ring into wax, saying that his father would cover the cost. If you don't know the story, the son had sinned against the father by taking the inheritance that he should have gotten at his father's death and squandering it all away in a foreign land on wild living. "Put a ring on his finger" was giving him a signet ring, it was giving a limitless credit card to a son who spent all of his education fund on comic books and chewing gum.
We are all sinful sons, all of humanity has sinned against our Father and not one of us deserves to be sons of God. I was raised in a Christian home, I never smoked, I didn't go to parties, I didn't get drunk, and I am not worthy of the Love of God. I have struggled with pride, legalism, perfectionism, judgement, isolation, bitterness, anger... I am no better then anyone else, no one DESERVES the sonship that God gives. The son in the parable didn't, we don't. Thankfully it's not about us. It's about the overwhelmingly loving Father that we have who CHOSE to restore the son back to the sonship that he was created for.
For God the cost was the death of Christ, that was the act that not only offers us salvation and a ticket to heaven, but an invitation to be called son's of God, not lesser sons, not sons that God tests to make sure they are worthy. We are all co-heirs with Christ (Romans 8) To God we are as much sons of him as Christ is if we choose to have faith and live by the grace of God. Wow. Jesus himself says to his disciples that all authority on heaven and on earth is given to those who believe in him. What that means is that you and I have a room in the house of God with our name on the door, we have credit cards without limits, we can drive his cars, eat at his table, everything.
That's nice... what does it mean on earth? Well, I'll tell you something that happened to me recently. I had heard that having the authority of Christ means that I have authority over any illness I might have. A few weeks after I hear this a nasty cold starts to spread and I catch it. I have been susceptible to very bad sore throats, usually lasting a week or more and so painful I can't sleep, this was what I was catching. The day it started I prayed and didn't think much more of it, my throat was sore but not to bad. That night I woke up with so much pain in it that a part of me resigned to the fact that I would not be able to fall asleep again and that I was in for a long and painful sickness... this made me angry, I had prayed! Why was it still there? But you have to understand that you have an enemy who will try to destroy you and he doesn't give up without a fight. I prayed again, I was angry at what was attacking me and I prayed until the pain subsided, and it did. The next day my throat was well to recovery and was totally healed after two. This may seem silly to some people, you may think "a sore throat? Really?"
Yes, really. A sore throat matters to God because it matters to me.
This is just a picture of the fact that if you have Christ in you, you do have authority. If you want to know ALL of what that means then look at what Christ did, and at what the apostles did, you can do all of it to, as can I.
So pray like you have the authority to walk right up to God and ask him for something, leave the answer to him, if it doesn't happen pray again! You can't force God to do something that isn't his will, but you can ask him for anything, be honest with him, and he CAN do anything so pray like he can and let him be responsible for the doing. Claim your sonship, watch the Father God come running to you while you are still a long way off and let him reclaim you as his son.
Friday, May 6, 2011
The God of lesser things
Jesus is the only person who has ever hosted a meal for thousands of people with five loaves of bread and two fish. In the last few days I have stated to learn that this is at the very heart of God. He is the God of lesser things. He is the God who made hummingbirds, the God who made different types of leaves that reflect the sun differently then the leaves of the tree right next to it. A sunrise happens because of light waves getting absorbed by tiny particles in the atmosphere (maybe bad science, but that's the principle as I was taught it). The huge and majestic mountains are formations of smaller rocks, the human body is full of cells, proteins, DNA, chromosomes and other tiny things. If nature points to God then nature is telling me that God is so big he is able to be small, God is so good that the tiny details of his world did not escape him. He made the world a place of small things.
If that is the small things in nature what about Jesus, who was by very nature God? At the point in his ministry that he fed probably 5-10 000 000 people he was, gathering quite a following and was getting very well known. The crowd in the story followed him to remote places and had been with him for a few days. He could have sent them away, they were probably expecting him to send them away. But to him there was not a large crowd that needed to be taken care of like there was to the disciples, to Jesus this huge crowd were all people with names that he knew and hearts that he saw. He loved and took compassion on them. The disciples were obviously concerned about the crowd but were not expecting the reaction that Jesus gave them... "You give them something to eat."
"Umm... I'd love to Jesus, but we only have enough food for US... five loaves, some fish, that's actually barely enough for us... I mean we could go to the market, but we may need to take up offering or something..." I imagine Jesus laughed. The disciples did not understand, they were with him his whole ministry and it took them longer then that to really get it (God is gracious). "Put them in groups of fifty" then he blessed the bread and fish and fed everyone. How beautiful.
Jesus wasn't intimidated by the size of the crowd, nor was the point of the miracle because of the size of the crowd. Jesus loved every person in that crowd just like he loves every person on earth today. He wants them all to have bread of life, to know him - he wants to take care of them, all of them, physical and otherwise. The disciples wanted this too, at least they wanted everyone to eat, but all they had was five loaves and two fish... sound like you? Sounds like me most of the time. I begin to realize that if I look at my "calling" or my "destiny" or "what I can do for God" that's my dreams I get rather intimidated. He calls us to a lot. But he's not the God that expects his twelve poor, tired disciples to go buy the whole crowd food so all of those people can see how loving he is. He is a God that takes what we have and are willing to give him and will multiply it in such a way that we can't possibly dream of. Maybe life is not about a destiny that's living somewhere out there that we have to clutch at with bloody fingers of our own human effort. Maybe a life of discipleship is giving God what we HAVE, our time, our money, our talents and abilities, even our day if we're exhausted and stressed and have a million things to do. Give God the little that you do have, what you think he could never possibly use to impact ANYONE, and see what the God of lesser things can do with it.
If that is the small things in nature what about Jesus, who was by very nature God? At the point in his ministry that he fed probably 5-10 000 000 people he was, gathering quite a following and was getting very well known. The crowd in the story followed him to remote places and had been with him for a few days. He could have sent them away, they were probably expecting him to send them away. But to him there was not a large crowd that needed to be taken care of like there was to the disciples, to Jesus this huge crowd were all people with names that he knew and hearts that he saw. He loved and took compassion on them. The disciples were obviously concerned about the crowd but were not expecting the reaction that Jesus gave them... "You give them something to eat."
"Umm... I'd love to Jesus, but we only have enough food for US... five loaves, some fish, that's actually barely enough for us... I mean we could go to the market, but we may need to take up offering or something..." I imagine Jesus laughed. The disciples did not understand, they were with him his whole ministry and it took them longer then that to really get it (God is gracious). "Put them in groups of fifty" then he blessed the bread and fish and fed everyone. How beautiful.
Jesus wasn't intimidated by the size of the crowd, nor was the point of the miracle because of the size of the crowd. Jesus loved every person in that crowd just like he loves every person on earth today. He wants them all to have bread of life, to know him - he wants to take care of them, all of them, physical and otherwise. The disciples wanted this too, at least they wanted everyone to eat, but all they had was five loaves and two fish... sound like you? Sounds like me most of the time. I begin to realize that if I look at my "calling" or my "destiny" or "what I can do for God" that's my dreams I get rather intimidated. He calls us to a lot. But he's not the God that expects his twelve poor, tired disciples to go buy the whole crowd food so all of those people can see how loving he is. He is a God that takes what we have and are willing to give him and will multiply it in such a way that we can't possibly dream of. Maybe life is not about a destiny that's living somewhere out there that we have to clutch at with bloody fingers of our own human effort. Maybe a life of discipleship is giving God what we HAVE, our time, our money, our talents and abilities, even our day if we're exhausted and stressed and have a million things to do. Give God the little that you do have, what you think he could never possibly use to impact ANYONE, and see what the God of lesser things can do with it.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
What are you doing?
The amazingness of God is that it is when we most frustrated over our own humanity, most angry at him and the closest to despair that we can understand at the time that he is usually the most at work in our lives. A good example of this was today, for some of you crying may not seem like a bad thing to not be able to do... but I have recently learned the importance of it as a release of the sadness that people have after the loss of Eden (John Eldrege, The Journey of Desire). Unfortunately it was in the same five minutes that I learned how much I wanted to cry (to clarify I honestly did want to, it wasn't just as a response to the book) that I realized how hard it was for me to really cry; I could still cry at a movie - a type of superficial crying; but when it came to the sadness in my heart there was no dislodging it. I believe this was because of so many times of pushing it down and putting on a plastic smile so I could get on with what I was doing while there was pain that was just becoming a little hard pain-diamond in my soul.
Today, in a step that was long overdue, I cried.
I cried for the injustice I felt that God was clearly there for others, that they had joy, they had seen miracles, and all this time I had been defending God in my mind... trying to superimpose instances that did not seem like "enough" of God... make myself believe he wanted "his love" (at least, the little I was experiencing) to be sufficient. Floundering in confusion, sadness and trying to tell God that everything was peachy suddenly didn't do it for me anymore, and I finally broke. Afterward I didn't feel whole, but I felt that God was in it, God wanted me to break, to get mad at the circumstances that had me accepting muddy water instead of the river of Living Water, I did get mad at him as well, but I think he was OK with that. He was at work in my frustration and wanted so badly for me to admit that all the things I had tried to do were not enough... he wanted me to be open to his love for it to fill me. To stop justifying why I was essentially unsatisfied with most of my "spiritual experiences."
I didn't want to write this blog post yet because I am not coming out on the other side. I sit in a place where desire is turning to hope for a bright future and knowledge that this will take much longer then a day... so it might not work out... I am basically in limbo.
But I see the work of God in all that has happened today and though I won't say he has come through yet something in me believes more then it did before today that I can have a much deeper relationship with the one who loves perfectly. It's up to him and he doesn't abandon his children.
So I post this with great hope that I will soon post of his wonderful faithfulness!
Katherina <><
Today, in a step that was long overdue, I cried.
I cried for the injustice I felt that God was clearly there for others, that they had joy, they had seen miracles, and all this time I had been defending God in my mind... trying to superimpose instances that did not seem like "enough" of God... make myself believe he wanted "his love" (at least, the little I was experiencing) to be sufficient. Floundering in confusion, sadness and trying to tell God that everything was peachy suddenly didn't do it for me anymore, and I finally broke. Afterward I didn't feel whole, but I felt that God was in it, God wanted me to break, to get mad at the circumstances that had me accepting muddy water instead of the river of Living Water, I did get mad at him as well, but I think he was OK with that. He was at work in my frustration and wanted so badly for me to admit that all the things I had tried to do were not enough... he wanted me to be open to his love for it to fill me. To stop justifying why I was essentially unsatisfied with most of my "spiritual experiences."
I didn't want to write this blog post yet because I am not coming out on the other side. I sit in a place where desire is turning to hope for a bright future and knowledge that this will take much longer then a day... so it might not work out... I am basically in limbo.
But I see the work of God in all that has happened today and though I won't say he has come through yet something in me believes more then it did before today that I can have a much deeper relationship with the one who loves perfectly. It's up to him and he doesn't abandon his children.
So I post this with great hope that I will soon post of his wonderful faithfulness!
Katherina <><
Friday, April 15, 2011
Step up, step out.
What feels like early evening to my head is actually close to midnight on my clock. To anyone who doesn't know what Jet lag is... I don't recommend it.
I am here. Not in Hillsong where I thought my journey would go, but to England a much deeper-rooted place. To Ellel Pierrepont, an organization that digs to much deeper roots. The problem with Hillsong was that I was looking to do the flashy thing, the big thing, the school with two campuses and a thousand students who will all (obviously) become something big and important simply by being at that place. That was what I wanted, and that is why I'm here at Ellel. This is not a huge organization. There is nothing flashy about it. Ellel is known, by the few people that know it, for spiritual surgery, similar to physical surgery because the only way to be healed properly is to be cut open, re-broken, or in some cases killed. Unfortunately in spiritual surgery you don't get knocked out, and for every step the surgeon asks you "this will hurt, but you will feel better, can I keep going?" and you have to say yes if you want it to work, and if you don't you should be doing it.
So why am I here prepping for Spiritual surgery? Because I have been a Christian all my life and struggle with devotional times. Because I hear about people hungering for the word of God and I'm hungrier for three hours watching the "Food Network" because until lately I have been a Christian who didn't. I didn't get in trouble because I didn't in general, I'm glad I didn't get in trouble, as are my parents, but I still didn't. It's not the best way to live, I don't think it is living.
That's why I'm here, writing this blog at 12 where it feels like 5 and telling my readers about spiritual surgery, it's more important to God that Peter stepped out of the boat and sunk then that the other 11 stayed in it and didn't (I'm not God so that could be totally off base). This is a step for me, a timid step. A step where I say "God, I'm sorry, I've been comatose, I don't read my Bible a lot and I know I don't pray like you heal people. Here I am, catch me if I fall!" And I take this step because I know he will.
I preacher I heard once said (I haven't seen this in the Bible directly so it warrants further investigation) that we sin by action and by inaction. Not doing is as bad as screwing up; so not doing is not the answer I'm looking for anymore... how about you?
I am here. Not in Hillsong where I thought my journey would go, but to England a much deeper-rooted place. To Ellel Pierrepont, an organization that digs to much deeper roots. The problem with Hillsong was that I was looking to do the flashy thing, the big thing, the school with two campuses and a thousand students who will all (obviously) become something big and important simply by being at that place. That was what I wanted, and that is why I'm here at Ellel. This is not a huge organization. There is nothing flashy about it. Ellel is known, by the few people that know it, for spiritual surgery, similar to physical surgery because the only way to be healed properly is to be cut open, re-broken, or in some cases killed. Unfortunately in spiritual surgery you don't get knocked out, and for every step the surgeon asks you "this will hurt, but you will feel better, can I keep going?" and you have to say yes if you want it to work, and if you don't you should be doing it.
So why am I here prepping for Spiritual surgery? Because I have been a Christian all my life and struggle with devotional times. Because I hear about people hungering for the word of God and I'm hungrier for three hours watching the "Food Network" because until lately I have been a Christian who didn't. I didn't get in trouble because I didn't in general, I'm glad I didn't get in trouble, as are my parents, but I still didn't. It's not the best way to live, I don't think it is living.
That's why I'm here, writing this blog at 12 where it feels like 5 and telling my readers about spiritual surgery, it's more important to God that Peter stepped out of the boat and sunk then that the other 11 stayed in it and didn't (I'm not God so that could be totally off base). This is a step for me, a timid step. A step where I say "God, I'm sorry, I've been comatose, I don't read my Bible a lot and I know I don't pray like you heal people. Here I am, catch me if I fall!" And I take this step because I know he will.
I preacher I heard once said (I haven't seen this in the Bible directly so it warrants further investigation) that we sin by action and by inaction. Not doing is as bad as screwing up; so not doing is not the answer I'm looking for anymore... how about you?
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Islands of the Past
As a nineteen year old I don’t really feel like I have a right to talk about nostalgia or about the importance of my past; then again do I have the right to go to heaven?... No. So anyway I am currently sitting in the living room of my dear friend and former college roommate. Last year I attended one of the most important (to date) and painful years of my life at Rosebud School of the Arts (a beautiful place). I left broken but determined by every little ounce of rebellion and toughness in me that I would return the next year totally whole and ready to start afresh. The hardest thing I did that summer was break myself down to say that I couldn’t go back. I didn’t, and though it was a hard year at home it has been an amazing year of growth. My writing is... well, picking up. My bible reading is more consistent and my walk with God is much deeper. It has been a good year. Now I am back in Rosebud for a brief visit and I see how much I have changed. So it’s time to be honest, I had my heart broken last year-pounded on really. Broken and partially fixed again three times by the same boy who was one of fourteen students in my class and one I couldn’t avoid. It sucked. Now if I had been the same person who left Rosebud I would have wanted to see him first thing, to get revenge, to show him how well I was doing, to break his heart just a little. I haven’t seen him. I had the opportunity, maybe even a subtle hint that I should but I haven’t. It’s not something I need to put myself through in order to live a better life. I may try to avoid him completely, because I am not ashamed to admit that I may not have the maturity to deal with the situation again. That is something I would not have been able to say. This year at home has taught me to be much more comfortable with the ugly, to respect the other and that essentially all life comes from loving God and yourself- I believe that the love for others flows from the love of yourself which flows from the love of God and it is because I decided not to come back to Rosebud that I learned that lesson. Now I am back and a few things have already hit me that are quite profound... 1 is that I have changed and I notice the different colours of my life by the people that I interacted with differently in my past. I have been brighter then before, perhaps more honest, definitely on more caffeine. Part of me is wholer now, their opinion doesn’t matter as much. It’s okay. I feel much peace with myself and feel at peace with God, he has brought me here to show me that I have come out victorious, that things can get better. To revisit a place that was once painful may not be so bad because people change and the places in our lives are islands of who we used to be. Look back at them and then at what is ahead. It is much bigger and brighter. There may be more trials and they will be harder. But the man with scarred hands is walking beside you and things will always get better. Islands of the past taught me that.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Mustard seed faith
I've lately been thinking of a passage that I've heard my entire life in an entirely new way. Most young Christians are taught that if you have faith even as small as a mustard seed you can tell a mountain to throw itself into the sea and it will happen. I guess this was supposed to be encouraging, but for me all it really taught was that my faith was so small I couldn't even say it was the size of a mustard seed. Later in life this just became a reality I lived with, I didn't save people's lives or fly because I didn't have enough faith... God couldn't use me because he was waiting for me to have more faith. This just fed the lie that I didn't have faith which was a huge barrier to me as a teen and a constant struggle. But a few weeks ago I realized something, in the passage he's not saying that the size of the faith is relevant, he's saying the opposite. A person could have practically no faith at all and still bring about a miracle because it is God who performs the miracle not us. God does not wait for us to have a certain amount of faith or the right anything, he talked through a donkey once. What Jesus meant is that God's glory will be done through one's life, no matter how much faith they have. This takes it out of our control and out of our understanding, but life is a journey and I hope to take many more steps into the Glory of God. I have yet to perform a miracle, but that's ok (maybe not all the time, it would be fun) because I will never perform a miracle, God may use me for one though.
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Wednesday, January 12, 2011
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