Islands of the Past

As a nineteen year old I don’t really feel like I have a right to talk about nostalgia or about the importance of my past; then again do I have the right to go to heaven?... No. So anyway I am currently sitting in the living room of my dear friend and former college roommate. Last year I attended one of the most important (to date) and painful years of my life at Rosebud School of the Arts (a beautiful place). I left broken but determined by every little ounce of rebellion and toughness in me that I would return the next year totally whole and ready to start afresh. The hardest thing I did that summer was break myself down to say that I couldn’t go back. I didn’t, and though it was a hard year at home it has been an amazing year of growth. My writing is... well, picking up. My bible reading is more consistent and my walk with God is much deeper. It has been a good year. Now I am back in Rosebud for a brief visit and I see how much I have changed. So it’s time to be honest, I had my heart broken last year-pounded on really. Broken and partially fixed again three times by the same boy who was one of fourteen students in my class and one I couldn’t avoid. It sucked. Now if I had been the same person who left Rosebud I would have wanted to see him first thing, to get revenge, to show him how well I was doing, to break his heart just a little. I haven’t seen him. I had the opportunity, maybe even a subtle hint that I should but I haven’t. It’s not something I need to put myself through in order to live a better life. I may try to avoid him completely, because I am not ashamed to admit that I may not have the maturity to deal with the situation again. That is something I would not have been able to say. This year at home has taught me to be much more comfortable with the ugly, to respect the other and that essentially all life comes from loving God and yourself- I believe that the love for others flows from the love of yourself which flows from the love of God and it is because I decided not to come back to Rosebud that I learned that lesson. Now I am back and a few things have already hit me that are quite profound... 1 is that I have changed and I notice the different colours of my life by the people that I interacted with differently in my past. I have been brighter then before, perhaps more honest, definitely on more caffeine. Part of me is wholer now, their opinion doesn’t matter as much. It’s okay. I feel much peace with myself and feel at peace with God, he has brought me here to show me that I have come out victorious, that things can get better. To revisit a place that was once painful may not be so bad because people change and the places in our lives are islands of who we used to be. Look back at them and then at what is ahead. It is much bigger and brighter. There may be more trials and they will be harder. But the man with scarred hands is walking beside you and things will always get better. Islands of the past taught me that. 

Mustard seed faith

I've lately been thinking of a passage that I've heard my entire life in an entirely new way. Most young Christians are taught that if you have faith even as small as a mustard seed you can tell a mountain to throw itself into the sea and it will happen. I guess this was supposed to be encouraging, but for me all it really taught was that my faith was so small I couldn't even say it was the size of a mustard seed. Later in life this just became a reality I lived with, I didn't save people's lives or fly because I didn't have enough faith... God couldn't use me because he was waiting for me to have more faith. This just fed the lie that I didn't have faith which was a huge barrier to me as a teen and a constant struggle. But a few weeks ago I realized something, in the passage he's not saying that the size of the faith is relevant, he's saying the opposite. A person could have practically no faith at all and still bring about a miracle because it is God who performs the miracle not us. God does not wait for us to have a certain amount of faith or the right anything, he talked through a donkey once. What Jesus meant is that God's glory will be done through one's life, no matter how much faith they have. This takes it out of our control and out of our understanding, but life is a journey and I hope to take many more steps into the Glory of God. I have yet to perform a miracle, but that's ok (maybe not all the time, it would be fun) because I will never perform a miracle, God may use me for one though.
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easily forgotten

So it appears blogging is a lot like journaling... oops. :)

jobs... blech.

Well, my job-hunt is now over (hopefully, I suppose the guy could be a jerk but...) amazingly enough though, my trusting God was barely about the job. I had to know that he wasn't going to let me down not in where I worked or whether or not I can go to Hillsong but in life. Today God did not come through when I was given a job but when I chose to worship regardless of postiton in life. God comes through in ways we don't expect and money really doesn't matter to him. Makes me wonder why we live life the way we do.

Who, by worrying can add a single day to his life?

This little passage "Who by worrying can add a single day to his life" has been plauging me for a long time now, but in the last week the rubber has really met the road. I was in a job situation that really wasn't great, but it was a job and it paid quite well. However it can't be a good job when hearing "it's just not working" from your boss is more of a relief then a pain. The week I have been unemployed I have faced the challenge of not to few job offers, but to many. 4 interviews resulted in two jobs that I will have to wait to hear from, both I am not sure of and both would be great, as well as two "take it or leave it" positions that aren't ideal but there. The dilemma is obvious. Do I risk taking a job I don't really want because the offer is there or do I wait to see if one of the others offers, knowing that I could easily be back at square one. I decided to wait as I feel much more peace about waiting. At least I did. Now I'm stupid worried. The worst part is the fact that I can literally do nothing but go about my life and wait. So to life I go, unsure of everything.

the beginning

Hey, so this is my blog, as an aspiring writer I thought it was time :). I've been hesitiant to start one because I'm pretty sure no one will read it but here it goes! It is a beginning, and like most there's really not much to it. But I think that if the church can start with 12 regular guys anything can happen. So we'll see.