What are you doing?

 The amazingness of God is that it is when we most frustrated over our own humanity, most angry at him and the closest to despair that we can understand at the time that he is usually the most at work in our lives. A good example of this was today, for some of you crying may not seem like a bad thing to not be able to do... but I have recently learned the importance of it as a release of the sadness that people have after the loss of Eden (John Eldrege, The Journey of Desire). Unfortunately it was in the same five minutes that I learned how much I wanted to cry (to clarify I honestly did want to, it wasn't just as a response to the book) that I realized how hard it was for me to really cry; I could still cry at a movie - a type of superficial crying; but when it came to the sadness in my heart there was no dislodging it. I believe this was because of so many times of pushing it down and putting on a plastic smile so I could get on with what I was doing while there was pain that was just becoming a little hard pain-diamond in my soul.

Today, in a step that was long overdue, I cried.

I cried for the injustice I felt that God was clearly there for others, that they had joy, they had seen miracles, and all this time I had been defending God in my mind... trying to superimpose instances that did not seem like "enough" of God... make myself believe he wanted "his love" (at least, the little I was experiencing) to be sufficient. Floundering in confusion, sadness and trying to tell God that everything was peachy suddenly didn't do it for me anymore, and I finally broke. Afterward I didn't feel whole, but I felt that God was in it, God wanted me to break, to get mad at the circumstances that had me accepting muddy water instead of the river of Living Water, I did get mad at him as well, but I think he was OK with that. He was at work in my frustration and wanted so badly for me to admit that all the things I had tried to do were not enough... he wanted me to be open to his love for it to fill me. To stop justifying why I was essentially unsatisfied with most of my "spiritual experiences."
I didn't want to write this blog post yet because I am not coming out on the other side. I sit in a place where desire is turning to hope for a bright future and knowledge that this will take much longer then a day... so it might not work out... I am basically in limbo.

But I see the work of God in all that has happened today and though I won't say he has come through yet something in me believes more then it did before today that I can have a much deeper relationship with the one who loves perfectly. It's up to him and he doesn't abandon his children.

So I post this with great hope that I will soon post of his wonderful faithfulness!

Katherina <><

Step up, step out.

What feels like early evening to my head is actually close to midnight on my clock. To anyone who doesn't know what Jet lag is... I don't recommend it.
 I am here. Not in Hillsong where I thought my journey would go, but to England a much deeper-rooted place. To Ellel Pierrepont, an organization that digs to much deeper roots. The problem with Hillsong was that I was looking to do the flashy thing, the big thing, the school with two campuses and a thousand students who will all (obviously) become something big and important simply by being at that place. That was what I wanted, and that is why I'm here at Ellel. This is not a huge organization. There is nothing flashy about it. Ellel is known, by the few people that know it, for spiritual surgery, similar to physical surgery because the only way to be healed properly is to be cut open, re-broken, or in some cases killed. Unfortunately in spiritual surgery you don't get knocked out, and for every step the surgeon asks you "this will hurt, but you will feel better, can I keep going?"  and you have to say yes if you want it to work, and if you don't you should be doing it.
So why am I here prepping for Spiritual surgery? Because I have been a Christian all my life and struggle with devotional times. Because I hear about people hungering for the word of God and I'm hungrier for three hours watching the "Food Network" because until lately I have been a Christian who didn't. I didn't get in trouble because I didn't in general, I'm glad I didn't get in trouble, as are my parents, but I still didn't. It's not the best way to live, I don't think it is living.
That's why I'm here, writing this blog at 12 where it feels like 5 and telling my readers about spiritual surgery, it's more important to God that Peter stepped out of the boat and sunk then that the other 11 stayed in it and didn't (I'm not God so that could be totally off base). This is a step for me, a timid step. A step where I say "God, I'm sorry, I've been comatose, I don't read my Bible a lot and I know I don't pray like you heal people. Here I am, catch me if I fall!" And I take this step because I know he will.
I preacher I heard once said (I haven't seen this in the Bible directly so it warrants further investigation) that we sin by action and by inaction. Not doing is as bad as screwing up; so not doing is not the answer I'm looking for anymore... how about you?