It's been a while... mostly because my thoughts, feelings and inspirations have not been worth writing about, or have been way to personal for the eyes of the world to view... until Monday.
So Monday, you may be wondering why I didn't write this on Monday - to be honest I think I lost my writing savvy for a little while, or at least my desire to write - but it's slowly found it's way back to me and hopped in my pocket again. At least for this post.
Anyway, Monday - what happened so suddenly on Monday that was a revelation worth sharing? Quite simply God gave me a picture to clearly illustrate a point that has not only kept me so supported all week but could easily change people lives if we apply it. To understand the picture I will ask you to imagine for a second that you are in a cold, dark room. In this room are candles and because you are cold you keep lighting them, they go out often and you light them again, it's all really a race to keep the candles lit. Is the room really that much warmer? Now imagine that it's 30 degrees and sunny outside, and your by the ocean and the room that your in has a door that is easily opened. Would you want to stay inside?
People have been on my mind a lot lately - friendships and relationships and complicated stuff like that. Basically I have never felt good enough around people, I feel as if I can't communicate well and that what I have to say isn't worth communicating, I've felt as if it's a cycle that can't be broken, people's opinions have always seemed negative and not enough.
People are candles.
Why are people's opinions always so unfulfilling, when I look back there is rarely times that people have actually said something to make me feel inadequate - there have always been people who love me as well as people who didn't. One failed relationship is not the end of the world so why is it so hard to feel like it isn't.
God is the sun.
People's opinions will always, ALWAYS be inadequate. We were not made to be warmed by candles and we were not made to be fulfilled by the good opinions of the people around us. Even if everyone you ever met thought you were the best person in the world it wouldn't be enough because it's not how we were made. We were made to be warmed by the sun. We were made for God's love to be what shows us our value - this also means that when people do have a negative opinion, or simply seem to have no opinion at all, that it is just as irrelevant as if they have a good opinion. It doesn't matter. They are little candles and you need to be in the sun, by the beach, basking in a beautiful day.
For some people God's love might be terrifying, for some people God doesn't love at all... what I want to offer you is hope - God DOES love you, He IS safe - I encourage you to take a step towards that love, it IS there and one of the ways he shows it is by not going where he isn't invited, so let down your defenses and stop keeping yourself locked in a dark cold room. Take a risk with God, maybe just ask him to show you he loves you, and come into the sun.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Letting go of life
I feel like my heart issue is that of control.
If I am in control of a situation I am good - great even, flourishing; I prefer to direct then to act, I like to write, I prefer to know the end of the movie before I watch it - all in an attempt to control my surroundings so I know that I am safe.
It doesn't work.
No matter what I do or what I try I am never able to control to the level that I desire to - my thirst for control kept me in a horrible relationship for what would have been one of the best years of my life - now that that's long over it's my desire for control that keeps me afraid of waiting or of trusting the people in my life right now. It also keeps me from doing the things that I long to do - to be a writer, an artist, to be undignified or just simply a human being instead of a human do. The desire for control or for safety is ultimately what's keeping me from living life and being REALLY safe in the arms of Jesus. It is a heavy burden, a life, and really it is one that we do not even have the smallest ability to carry - no matter what I plan or panic over tomorrow will come and it will look exactly like it would have if I hadn't worried about it. So a great step to living the true life that we are called to is to let go of the true life that God called you to.
Do you have dreams? Great. Do you have a mission statement for your life? Wonderful. Are you passionate about something? Good. All good things, but if we don't continually surrender or even worse, choose to try and bring those things about in our own power either they will become more gods to us then God or they will not flourish. In art I cannot bring about inspiration on my own - I can foster an environment to be inspired but as long as I try to just create art without God is about as long as I have an empty canvas sitting in the corner of the room glaring at me. When I try to bring something about that God has placed in me I am simply petrified by the fear that it will fail. Fear of failure is the essence of my desire for control. If I cannot take what God has given me and do it right what am I worth?
God has given us all great gifts, and yes, we do need to choose to act upon them, but we also need not worry about their maintenance. What God has called us to is not our soul responsibility to bring about. He does not hand out vision simply to walk away and leave it up to human effort to see it come alive. When we receive from God we are called to give back what he has given us and let him bring about miracles.
As for failure, when we surrender out gifts back to God we see that he did not make us to do things for him but to be with him. No matter how much I fail at something, even at my deepest calling, Christ still died for me on the cross and I am still forgiven and he still desires fellowship with me. To God, our failure IS an option, we WILL sin, we WILL fall and we WILL come up with disasters, even of things inspired by God, he still smiles at us and says "well done!" we are still called children of God.
I suppose what makes the idea of surrender hardest for me is that it involves an incredible amount of trust. God always calls us to trust him and, quite frankly, I am uncomfortable with trust. But God knows that and has already forgiven me for it. Again and again he is faithful in small things and gently he calls for trust in the bigger things too. It is also very encouraging for me to see how He is at work in other people and to learn to trust him for his faithfulness to all of his children. I also recently experienced His grace in a much deeper way then I ever had before and to know the grace and love of God is to fall in love and to see that trusting him is not so very scary.
I don't know your story, I don't know where you have been or what you struggle with. Perhaps I am the only person in the world who feels the need to control every situation in order to be safe, I doubt it though. I have a nagging suspicion that I am not very unlike most people in this matter. What I have learned about it - and what I hope some may take away from this - is that the more I try to control a situation the less power I feel I have in it, I simply become desperate. But, the more I learn to trust God and to let go the more empowered I am to do that which God has created me for (maybe not in the way I was expecting to see it, but in a way that is better). So loose your life, and save it.
If I am in control of a situation I am good - great even, flourishing; I prefer to direct then to act, I like to write, I prefer to know the end of the movie before I watch it - all in an attempt to control my surroundings so I know that I am safe.
It doesn't work.
No matter what I do or what I try I am never able to control to the level that I desire to - my thirst for control kept me in a horrible relationship for what would have been one of the best years of my life - now that that's long over it's my desire for control that keeps me afraid of waiting or of trusting the people in my life right now. It also keeps me from doing the things that I long to do - to be a writer, an artist, to be undignified or just simply a human being instead of a human do. The desire for control or for safety is ultimately what's keeping me from living life and being REALLY safe in the arms of Jesus. It is a heavy burden, a life, and really it is one that we do not even have the smallest ability to carry - no matter what I plan or panic over tomorrow will come and it will look exactly like it would have if I hadn't worried about it. So a great step to living the true life that we are called to is to let go of the true life that God called you to.
Do you have dreams? Great. Do you have a mission statement for your life? Wonderful. Are you passionate about something? Good. All good things, but if we don't continually surrender or even worse, choose to try and bring those things about in our own power either they will become more gods to us then God or they will not flourish. In art I cannot bring about inspiration on my own - I can foster an environment to be inspired but as long as I try to just create art without God is about as long as I have an empty canvas sitting in the corner of the room glaring at me. When I try to bring something about that God has placed in me I am simply petrified by the fear that it will fail. Fear of failure is the essence of my desire for control. If I cannot take what God has given me and do it right what am I worth?
God has given us all great gifts, and yes, we do need to choose to act upon them, but we also need not worry about their maintenance. What God has called us to is not our soul responsibility to bring about. He does not hand out vision simply to walk away and leave it up to human effort to see it come alive. When we receive from God we are called to give back what he has given us and let him bring about miracles.
As for failure, when we surrender out gifts back to God we see that he did not make us to do things for him but to be with him. No matter how much I fail at something, even at my deepest calling, Christ still died for me on the cross and I am still forgiven and he still desires fellowship with me. To God, our failure IS an option, we WILL sin, we WILL fall and we WILL come up with disasters, even of things inspired by God, he still smiles at us and says "well done!" we are still called children of God.
I suppose what makes the idea of surrender hardest for me is that it involves an incredible amount of trust. God always calls us to trust him and, quite frankly, I am uncomfortable with trust. But God knows that and has already forgiven me for it. Again and again he is faithful in small things and gently he calls for trust in the bigger things too. It is also very encouraging for me to see how He is at work in other people and to learn to trust him for his faithfulness to all of his children. I also recently experienced His grace in a much deeper way then I ever had before and to know the grace and love of God is to fall in love and to see that trusting him is not so very scary.
I don't know your story, I don't know where you have been or what you struggle with. Perhaps I am the only person in the world who feels the need to control every situation in order to be safe, I doubt it though. I have a nagging suspicion that I am not very unlike most people in this matter. What I have learned about it - and what I hope some may take away from this - is that the more I try to control a situation the less power I feel I have in it, I simply become desperate. But, the more I learn to trust God and to let go the more empowered I am to do that which God has created me for (maybe not in the way I was expecting to see it, but in a way that is better). So loose your life, and save it.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Extraordinary Ordinary
3 Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; 4 so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. 5 After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
If there is anyone we are encouraged to follow as Christians it is obviously Christ himself.
The very essence of God, God the son, God himself - loved his disciples so much that he washed their dirty, smelly feet and dried them with the towel that he had around his waist. Jesus was always doing scandalous things like that, he picked grain and ate it on a Sabbath, he healed on the Sabbath, he touched lepers and hung out with prostitutes and tax collectors and all other motley assortments of various "unclean" and "sinful" stuff in the world around him. Clearly he did not shirk ugly, he did not balk at ruining his reputation and being considered the lowest didn't matter to him.
How? HOW? How did Jesus have this ability - above all one of the greatest desires of my heart and something that I rarely ever see in the world at all. True humility. Being so wrapped up in loving God and the people around you that it doesn't matter who sees or who cares. The opinion of people loosing all of it's power. The opinion of others not mattering, and something else... not needed to be transformed into the likeness of amazing people on earth.
I don't know how many people look at the likes of Mother Theresa or others with amazing faith and amazing ministries and desire their ministry. Or on a much less spiritual side want to be famous, wealthy, or in any way more successful, more stand-outish then anyone else. To a lesser extent it is the constant, life killing comparing - the lie that says as long as we are better then someone else it's all okay and the devastation when we are not better then them in any way. When, in fact, they are better then us at something. This horrible and almost totally self conscious comparison life style drained me and kept me isolated from people - I felt unloved by God unless I was somehow outstanding. After all he knit me together in my mother's womb and His thoughts for me outnumber the grains of sand I must be pretty fabulous and all that wonder is something that I have to discover, right?
What I hadn't realized until lately is that Psalm 119 wasn't only written about me. That I am not stand alone - God loves us all equally and he will never compare us or encourage us to be "better then others" God did not make a few outstanding people - the ordinary, everyday people whom you see as you walk through the mall or pick up groceries are all as deeply and intimately loved by God as you, Mother Theresa, all of the apostles, Moses, ect. In other words by being ordinary people we are extraordinary beyond measure.
God created us all equally and that is not a bad thing or something that I want to say to keep anyone down or discouraged. God has the ability to deeply love and to plant the greatness that is himself in the heart of all people. What Jesus was modeling in John 13 was that when we really really know who we are in God, the labels and the "dignity" of man totally melt away. The being better, having status, money or even a more amazing ministry then someone else becomes irrelevant. Because Jesus knew deep down who he was and where he was going he served with a good heart out of genuine love and that is what God desires of all of us. He desires for us to be rooted in him and serving one another from the love that He gives. If you are not recieving this love or don't know it, don't be discouraged but pray for that knowledge - it may take years but God is faithful.
Getting off the comparison treadmill, and accepting true humility does not come by human effort but by the deep reality of who God is, and who we all are to him. After all, if Jesus came in the likeness of a normal, ordinary human being that must make our ordinary very extraordinary indeed.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Drinking from a waterfall or intentional spirituality
Going from a place of total focus on God and on my own heart condition back to a world focused on the bottom line, the number and success by the time you're thirty has been hard to say the least. Everything has felt the hit - my relationships with friends, my boyfriend, and my relationship with God being the more significant things that have suffered. But looking back on the last few months has made me realize that it is so easy to be lulled to sleep by the busyness of a culture that places humanity and our achievements above the condition of our hearts - that put the intelligence of the mind over the health of spirit and the drive of will over the ability to find time and rest. Or it goes the opposite way in the worst way. Teaching us that Yoga and meditation on our own "god within" will provide us what we need as spiritual beings - that by meditation and the build up of karma we can become supernatural in our own right. The kind of spirituality that says all paths lead up to the top of the same mountain. It is very easy to get lulled to sleep when the culture around you constantly feeds you these lies, as if it was an IV into the veins, and I have fallen.
So what was it that woke me up to this comfortable and selfish sleepiness? Drinking from a waterfall. Since I left the Christian school I was at worship at church had been empty, appreciative at best. The amazingness of the character of God had been lost on me for a month or so. He woke me up with worship - something I had taken for granted as a simple and ordinary thing-that-happens-at-church. And I started to drown in the waterfall, seeing that I was not open to the inpouring of God, but was instead struggling, closed in on myself. He started to take back the heart that has been his for so long it is hard to see it had strayed. The glory of God will never run out and so neither should our wonder at him. Unfortunately it often does because of the pollution the enemy has spewed all over the face of our world. So I had been woken up to the fact that I was asleep - now what? Now it is time to see how thirsty I had become, church had become a social event, service a thing to be done, and the bible a book to check off the list every morning. I was dying, not living but dying. Then life didn't satisfy anymore. The things I had been working for turned to ashes in my mouth, creativity became a waste of time - relationships became work and work became a drudge. Nothing compared to drowning in the waterfall.
So how does one go back there? How does one stay there? How does worship become a daily a breath by breath existence?
I don't know.
What I do know is that God is everywhere - not in the new age sense that everywhere is god, but God is everywhere this is his world and he fills it with his presence the animals get this and so does the rare human being. The trick is looking for him. The trick is to be intentional about being spiritual - in the way that we are intended to be spiritual, to be filled with Holy Spirit and to live out of that spirital water flowing into us from heaven. To look for him, to ask him, to knock at the door of his office and peek in and say "I'm sorry I haven't been here in a while, can we talk?" It's falling in love again. It's something I struggle with, but I see now is the most important thing. To carve time out for God AND to take him with me wherever I go. It's the need to be intentional. It's the spiritual discipline that comes from the conviction of humility - no I can't do this alone. It is the journey of a lifetime - the challenge to LIVE.
And I decided to wake up, brush the dust of a dying world off my robes of righteousness and start walking with Jesus again. He always waits for us.
So what was it that woke me up to this comfortable and selfish sleepiness? Drinking from a waterfall. Since I left the Christian school I was at worship at church had been empty, appreciative at best. The amazingness of the character of God had been lost on me for a month or so. He woke me up with worship - something I had taken for granted as a simple and ordinary thing-that-happens-at-church. And I started to drown in the waterfall, seeing that I was not open to the inpouring of God, but was instead struggling, closed in on myself. He started to take back the heart that has been his for so long it is hard to see it had strayed. The glory of God will never run out and so neither should our wonder at him. Unfortunately it often does because of the pollution the enemy has spewed all over the face of our world. So I had been woken up to the fact that I was asleep - now what? Now it is time to see how thirsty I had become, church had become a social event, service a thing to be done, and the bible a book to check off the list every morning. I was dying, not living but dying. Then life didn't satisfy anymore. The things I had been working for turned to ashes in my mouth, creativity became a waste of time - relationships became work and work became a drudge. Nothing compared to drowning in the waterfall.
So how does one go back there? How does one stay there? How does worship become a daily a breath by breath existence?
I don't know.
What I do know is that God is everywhere - not in the new age sense that everywhere is god, but God is everywhere this is his world and he fills it with his presence the animals get this and so does the rare human being. The trick is looking for him. The trick is to be intentional about being spiritual - in the way that we are intended to be spiritual, to be filled with Holy Spirit and to live out of that spirital water flowing into us from heaven. To look for him, to ask him, to knock at the door of his office and peek in and say "I'm sorry I haven't been here in a while, can we talk?" It's falling in love again. It's something I struggle with, but I see now is the most important thing. To carve time out for God AND to take him with me wherever I go. It's the need to be intentional. It's the spiritual discipline that comes from the conviction of humility - no I can't do this alone. It is the journey of a lifetime - the challenge to LIVE.
And I decided to wake up, brush the dust of a dying world off my robes of righteousness and start walking with Jesus again. He always waits for us.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Authority and Sonship
Something that can change the life of any and every person is the understanding that following God does not mean becoming servants, but becoming sons. To elaborate if men can be the bride of Christ then I can be God's son.
It was very recently that I felt that God was placing a signet ring on my finger. A few months ago this wouldn't have meant anything, but I've learned what the importance of that ring is....
It is the most amazing thing that the Father could have done for the son giving him that ring. The signet ring had the family seal on it, and when the son wanted to buy something he could punch the ring into wax, saying that his father would cover the cost. If you don't know the story, the son had sinned against the father by taking the inheritance that he should have gotten at his father's death and squandering it all away in a foreign land on wild living. "Put a ring on his finger" was giving him a signet ring, it was giving a limitless credit card to a son who spent all of his education fund on comic books and chewing gum.
We are all sinful sons, all of humanity has sinned against our Father and not one of us deserves to be sons of God. I was raised in a Christian home, I never smoked, I didn't go to parties, I didn't get drunk, and I am not worthy of the Love of God. I have struggled with pride, legalism, perfectionism, judgement, isolation, bitterness, anger... I am no better then anyone else, no one DESERVES the sonship that God gives. The son in the parable didn't, we don't. Thankfully it's not about us. It's about the overwhelmingly loving Father that we have who CHOSE to restore the son back to the sonship that he was created for.
For God the cost was the death of Christ, that was the act that not only offers us salvation and a ticket to heaven, but an invitation to be called son's of God, not lesser sons, not sons that God tests to make sure they are worthy. We are all co-heirs with Christ (Romans 8) To God we are as much sons of him as Christ is if we choose to have faith and live by the grace of God. Wow. Jesus himself says to his disciples that all authority on heaven and on earth is given to those who believe in him. What that means is that you and I have a room in the house of God with our name on the door, we have credit cards without limits, we can drive his cars, eat at his table, everything.
That's nice... what does it mean on earth? Well, I'll tell you something that happened to me recently. I had heard that having the authority of Christ means that I have authority over any illness I might have. A few weeks after I hear this a nasty cold starts to spread and I catch it. I have been susceptible to very bad sore throats, usually lasting a week or more and so painful I can't sleep, this was what I was catching. The day it started I prayed and didn't think much more of it, my throat was sore but not to bad. That night I woke up with so much pain in it that a part of me resigned to the fact that I would not be able to fall asleep again and that I was in for a long and painful sickness... this made me angry, I had prayed! Why was it still there? But you have to understand that you have an enemy who will try to destroy you and he doesn't give up without a fight. I prayed again, I was angry at what was attacking me and I prayed until the pain subsided, and it did. The next day my throat was well to recovery and was totally healed after two. This may seem silly to some people, you may think "a sore throat? Really?"
Yes, really. A sore throat matters to God because it matters to me.
This is just a picture of the fact that if you have Christ in you, you do have authority. If you want to know ALL of what that means then look at what Christ did, and at what the apostles did, you can do all of it to, as can I.
So pray like you have the authority to walk right up to God and ask him for something, leave the answer to him, if it doesn't happen pray again! You can't force God to do something that isn't his will, but you can ask him for anything, be honest with him, and he CAN do anything so pray like he can and let him be responsible for the doing. Claim your sonship, watch the Father God come running to you while you are still a long way off and let him reclaim you as his son.
It was very recently that I felt that God was placing a signet ring on my finger. A few months ago this wouldn't have meant anything, but I've learned what the importance of that ring is....
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.It is the most amazing thing that the Father could have done for the son giving him that ring. The signet ring had the family seal on it, and when the son wanted to buy something he could punch the ring into wax, saying that his father would cover the cost. If you don't know the story, the son had sinned against the father by taking the inheritance that he should have gotten at his father's death and squandering it all away in a foreign land on wild living. "Put a ring on his finger" was giving him a signet ring, it was giving a limitless credit card to a son who spent all of his education fund on comic books and chewing gum.
We are all sinful sons, all of humanity has sinned against our Father and not one of us deserves to be sons of God. I was raised in a Christian home, I never smoked, I didn't go to parties, I didn't get drunk, and I am not worthy of the Love of God. I have struggled with pride, legalism, perfectionism, judgement, isolation, bitterness, anger... I am no better then anyone else, no one DESERVES the sonship that God gives. The son in the parable didn't, we don't. Thankfully it's not about us. It's about the overwhelmingly loving Father that we have who CHOSE to restore the son back to the sonship that he was created for.
For God the cost was the death of Christ, that was the act that not only offers us salvation and a ticket to heaven, but an invitation to be called son's of God, not lesser sons, not sons that God tests to make sure they are worthy. We are all co-heirs with Christ (Romans 8) To God we are as much sons of him as Christ is if we choose to have faith and live by the grace of God. Wow. Jesus himself says to his disciples that all authority on heaven and on earth is given to those who believe in him. What that means is that you and I have a room in the house of God with our name on the door, we have credit cards without limits, we can drive his cars, eat at his table, everything.
That's nice... what does it mean on earth? Well, I'll tell you something that happened to me recently. I had heard that having the authority of Christ means that I have authority over any illness I might have. A few weeks after I hear this a nasty cold starts to spread and I catch it. I have been susceptible to very bad sore throats, usually lasting a week or more and so painful I can't sleep, this was what I was catching. The day it started I prayed and didn't think much more of it, my throat was sore but not to bad. That night I woke up with so much pain in it that a part of me resigned to the fact that I would not be able to fall asleep again and that I was in for a long and painful sickness... this made me angry, I had prayed! Why was it still there? But you have to understand that you have an enemy who will try to destroy you and he doesn't give up without a fight. I prayed again, I was angry at what was attacking me and I prayed until the pain subsided, and it did. The next day my throat was well to recovery and was totally healed after two. This may seem silly to some people, you may think "a sore throat? Really?"
Yes, really. A sore throat matters to God because it matters to me.
This is just a picture of the fact that if you have Christ in you, you do have authority. If you want to know ALL of what that means then look at what Christ did, and at what the apostles did, you can do all of it to, as can I.
So pray like you have the authority to walk right up to God and ask him for something, leave the answer to him, if it doesn't happen pray again! You can't force God to do something that isn't his will, but you can ask him for anything, be honest with him, and he CAN do anything so pray like he can and let him be responsible for the doing. Claim your sonship, watch the Father God come running to you while you are still a long way off and let him reclaim you as his son.
Friday, May 6, 2011
The God of lesser things
Jesus is the only person who has ever hosted a meal for thousands of people with five loaves of bread and two fish. In the last few days I have stated to learn that this is at the very heart of God. He is the God of lesser things. He is the God who made hummingbirds, the God who made different types of leaves that reflect the sun differently then the leaves of the tree right next to it. A sunrise happens because of light waves getting absorbed by tiny particles in the atmosphere (maybe bad science, but that's the principle as I was taught it). The huge and majestic mountains are formations of smaller rocks, the human body is full of cells, proteins, DNA, chromosomes and other tiny things. If nature points to God then nature is telling me that God is so big he is able to be small, God is so good that the tiny details of his world did not escape him. He made the world a place of small things.
If that is the small things in nature what about Jesus, who was by very nature God? At the point in his ministry that he fed probably 5-10 000 000 people he was, gathering quite a following and was getting very well known. The crowd in the story followed him to remote places and had been with him for a few days. He could have sent them away, they were probably expecting him to send them away. But to him there was not a large crowd that needed to be taken care of like there was to the disciples, to Jesus this huge crowd were all people with names that he knew and hearts that he saw. He loved and took compassion on them. The disciples were obviously concerned about the crowd but were not expecting the reaction that Jesus gave them... "You give them something to eat."
"Umm... I'd love to Jesus, but we only have enough food for US... five loaves, some fish, that's actually barely enough for us... I mean we could go to the market, but we may need to take up offering or something..." I imagine Jesus laughed. The disciples did not understand, they were with him his whole ministry and it took them longer then that to really get it (God is gracious). "Put them in groups of fifty" then he blessed the bread and fish and fed everyone. How beautiful.
Jesus wasn't intimidated by the size of the crowd, nor was the point of the miracle because of the size of the crowd. Jesus loved every person in that crowd just like he loves every person on earth today. He wants them all to have bread of life, to know him - he wants to take care of them, all of them, physical and otherwise. The disciples wanted this too, at least they wanted everyone to eat, but all they had was five loaves and two fish... sound like you? Sounds like me most of the time. I begin to realize that if I look at my "calling" or my "destiny" or "what I can do for God" that's my dreams I get rather intimidated. He calls us to a lot. But he's not the God that expects his twelve poor, tired disciples to go buy the whole crowd food so all of those people can see how loving he is. He is a God that takes what we have and are willing to give him and will multiply it in such a way that we can't possibly dream of. Maybe life is not about a destiny that's living somewhere out there that we have to clutch at with bloody fingers of our own human effort. Maybe a life of discipleship is giving God what we HAVE, our time, our money, our talents and abilities, even our day if we're exhausted and stressed and have a million things to do. Give God the little that you do have, what you think he could never possibly use to impact ANYONE, and see what the God of lesser things can do with it.
If that is the small things in nature what about Jesus, who was by very nature God? At the point in his ministry that he fed probably 5-10 000 000 people he was, gathering quite a following and was getting very well known. The crowd in the story followed him to remote places and had been with him for a few days. He could have sent them away, they were probably expecting him to send them away. But to him there was not a large crowd that needed to be taken care of like there was to the disciples, to Jesus this huge crowd were all people with names that he knew and hearts that he saw. He loved and took compassion on them. The disciples were obviously concerned about the crowd but were not expecting the reaction that Jesus gave them... "You give them something to eat."
"Umm... I'd love to Jesus, but we only have enough food for US... five loaves, some fish, that's actually barely enough for us... I mean we could go to the market, but we may need to take up offering or something..." I imagine Jesus laughed. The disciples did not understand, they were with him his whole ministry and it took them longer then that to really get it (God is gracious). "Put them in groups of fifty" then he blessed the bread and fish and fed everyone. How beautiful.
Jesus wasn't intimidated by the size of the crowd, nor was the point of the miracle because of the size of the crowd. Jesus loved every person in that crowd just like he loves every person on earth today. He wants them all to have bread of life, to know him - he wants to take care of them, all of them, physical and otherwise. The disciples wanted this too, at least they wanted everyone to eat, but all they had was five loaves and two fish... sound like you? Sounds like me most of the time. I begin to realize that if I look at my "calling" or my "destiny" or "what I can do for God" that's my dreams I get rather intimidated. He calls us to a lot. But he's not the God that expects his twelve poor, tired disciples to go buy the whole crowd food so all of those people can see how loving he is. He is a God that takes what we have and are willing to give him and will multiply it in such a way that we can't possibly dream of. Maybe life is not about a destiny that's living somewhere out there that we have to clutch at with bloody fingers of our own human effort. Maybe a life of discipleship is giving God what we HAVE, our time, our money, our talents and abilities, even our day if we're exhausted and stressed and have a million things to do. Give God the little that you do have, what you think he could never possibly use to impact ANYONE, and see what the God of lesser things can do with it.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
What are you doing?
The amazingness of God is that it is when we most frustrated over our own humanity, most angry at him and the closest to despair that we can understand at the time that he is usually the most at work in our lives. A good example of this was today, for some of you crying may not seem like a bad thing to not be able to do... but I have recently learned the importance of it as a release of the sadness that people have after the loss of Eden (John Eldrege, The Journey of Desire). Unfortunately it was in the same five minutes that I learned how much I wanted to cry (to clarify I honestly did want to, it wasn't just as a response to the book) that I realized how hard it was for me to really cry; I could still cry at a movie - a type of superficial crying; but when it came to the sadness in my heart there was no dislodging it. I believe this was because of so many times of pushing it down and putting on a plastic smile so I could get on with what I was doing while there was pain that was just becoming a little hard pain-diamond in my soul.
Today, in a step that was long overdue, I cried.
I cried for the injustice I felt that God was clearly there for others, that they had joy, they had seen miracles, and all this time I had been defending God in my mind... trying to superimpose instances that did not seem like "enough" of God... make myself believe he wanted "his love" (at least, the little I was experiencing) to be sufficient. Floundering in confusion, sadness and trying to tell God that everything was peachy suddenly didn't do it for me anymore, and I finally broke. Afterward I didn't feel whole, but I felt that God was in it, God wanted me to break, to get mad at the circumstances that had me accepting muddy water instead of the river of Living Water, I did get mad at him as well, but I think he was OK with that. He was at work in my frustration and wanted so badly for me to admit that all the things I had tried to do were not enough... he wanted me to be open to his love for it to fill me. To stop justifying why I was essentially unsatisfied with most of my "spiritual experiences."
I didn't want to write this blog post yet because I am not coming out on the other side. I sit in a place where desire is turning to hope for a bright future and knowledge that this will take much longer then a day... so it might not work out... I am basically in limbo.
But I see the work of God in all that has happened today and though I won't say he has come through yet something in me believes more then it did before today that I can have a much deeper relationship with the one who loves perfectly. It's up to him and he doesn't abandon his children.
So I post this with great hope that I will soon post of his wonderful faithfulness!
Katherina <><
Today, in a step that was long overdue, I cried.
I cried for the injustice I felt that God was clearly there for others, that they had joy, they had seen miracles, and all this time I had been defending God in my mind... trying to superimpose instances that did not seem like "enough" of God... make myself believe he wanted "his love" (at least, the little I was experiencing) to be sufficient. Floundering in confusion, sadness and trying to tell God that everything was peachy suddenly didn't do it for me anymore, and I finally broke. Afterward I didn't feel whole, but I felt that God was in it, God wanted me to break, to get mad at the circumstances that had me accepting muddy water instead of the river of Living Water, I did get mad at him as well, but I think he was OK with that. He was at work in my frustration and wanted so badly for me to admit that all the things I had tried to do were not enough... he wanted me to be open to his love for it to fill me. To stop justifying why I was essentially unsatisfied with most of my "spiritual experiences."
I didn't want to write this blog post yet because I am not coming out on the other side. I sit in a place where desire is turning to hope for a bright future and knowledge that this will take much longer then a day... so it might not work out... I am basically in limbo.
But I see the work of God in all that has happened today and though I won't say he has come through yet something in me believes more then it did before today that I can have a much deeper relationship with the one who loves perfectly. It's up to him and he doesn't abandon his children.
So I post this with great hope that I will soon post of his wonderful faithfulness!
Katherina <><
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)