I feel like my heart issue is that of control.
If I am in control of a situation I am good - great even, flourishing; I prefer to direct then to act, I like to write, I prefer to know the end of the movie before I watch it - all in an attempt to control my surroundings so I know that I am safe.
It doesn't work.
No matter what I do or what I try I am never able to control to the level that I desire to - my thirst for control kept me in a horrible relationship for what would have been one of the best years of my life - now that that's long over it's my desire for control that keeps me afraid of waiting or of trusting the people in my life right now. It also keeps me from doing the things that I long to do - to be a writer, an artist, to be undignified or just simply a human being instead of a human do. The desire for control or for safety is ultimately what's keeping me from living life and being REALLY safe in the arms of Jesus. It is a heavy burden, a life, and really it is one that we do not even have the smallest ability to carry - no matter what I plan or panic over tomorrow will come and it will look exactly like it would have if I hadn't worried about it. So a great step to living the true life that we are called to is to let go of the true life that God called you to.
Do you have dreams? Great. Do you have a mission statement for your life? Wonderful. Are you passionate about something? Good. All good things, but if we don't continually surrender or even worse, choose to try and bring those things about in our own power either they will become more gods to us then God or they will not flourish. In art I cannot bring about inspiration on my own - I can foster an environment to be inspired but as long as I try to just create art without God is about as long as I have an empty canvas sitting in the corner of the room glaring at me. When I try to bring something about that God has placed in me I am simply petrified by the fear that it will fail. Fear of failure is the essence of my desire for control. If I cannot take what God has given me and do it right what am I worth?
God has given us all great gifts, and yes, we do need to choose to act upon them, but we also need not worry about their maintenance. What God has called us to is not our soul responsibility to bring about. He does not hand out vision simply to walk away and leave it up to human effort to see it come alive. When we receive from God we are called to give back what he has given us and let him bring about miracles.
As for failure, when we surrender out gifts back to God we see that he did not make us to do things for him but to be with him. No matter how much I fail at something, even at my deepest calling, Christ still died for me on the cross and I am still forgiven and he still desires fellowship with me. To God, our failure IS an option, we WILL sin, we WILL fall and we WILL come up with disasters, even of things inspired by God, he still smiles at us and says "well done!" we are still called children of God.
I suppose what makes the idea of surrender hardest for me is that it involves an incredible amount of trust. God always calls us to trust him and, quite frankly, I am uncomfortable with trust. But God knows that and has already forgiven me for it. Again and again he is faithful in small things and gently he calls for trust in the bigger things too. It is also very encouraging for me to see how He is at work in other people and to learn to trust him for his faithfulness to all of his children. I also recently experienced His grace in a much deeper way then I ever had before and to know the grace and love of God is to fall in love and to see that trusting him is not so very scary.
I don't know your story, I don't know where you have been or what you struggle with. Perhaps I am the only person in the world who feels the need to control every situation in order to be safe, I doubt it though. I have a nagging suspicion that I am not very unlike most people in this matter. What I have learned about it - and what I hope some may take away from this - is that the more I try to control a situation the less power I feel I have in it, I simply become desperate. But, the more I learn to trust God and to let go the more empowered I am to do that which God has created me for (maybe not in the way I was expecting to see it, but in a way that is better). So loose your life, and save it.
